Lebanese Jester

Me, my Lebanon, and I.com weblog

As far as I am concerned !

Patriarch Rai can grow his beard, wear a turban and take turn to lead us to yet another (devastating) divine victory.

Walid Jumblat can get on his Harley and ride unto the sunset never to be heard of again.

Nabih Berri can turn parliament to a big Roman orgy.

Samir Geagea can decide become a monk in the hope to be canonized after his passing.

Saad Hariri can turn downtown Beirut into a red light district and become its higher paid customer.

Michel Aoun can direct and star in a new version of Mel brook’s history of the world.

Amine Gemayel can create his own line of hair care products.

Talal Arslan can open up a free psychiatric ward for all those who have an inferiority complex.

Hassan Nasrallah can get on his white horse waiving his sword (like Mar Elias) protecting all Arab widows and orphans.

As far as I am concerned, they, and all our political class, past and current might not even have a place reserved for them in hell, for the devil might be afraid that they will oust him.

September 25, 2011 Posted by | Politics | , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Hassan Nasrallah, ou l’oiseau de mauvais augure!

Sad is the day when an entire (so called) nation awaited with bated breath the speech of a self proclaimed divine protector in order to have a hint, or even an inclination as to whether this long awaited summer will be calm and prosperous, … or not.

Hassouna (our self declared divine protector) a finalement mit les points sur les “I “.

According to him; we have to be grateful for the role the Syrian “despotic” regime has played throughout; not only the 15 years of war, but also the next 15 years of hegemony we Lebanese had to endure (at a price of many martyrs numbering in the tens of thousands if not hundreds of thousands), for according to “our dear Divine protector” Lebanon would have ceased to exist if it wasn’t for the goodness of the Syrian heart’s regime with regards to its “sisterly state” (and still we have no border demarcation).

The only “true” (and legal, according to him) resistance is that of Hizbullah, and all the rest is nothing but puppets in the hand of the greater evil that is Netenyahu (thank God his family name does not end in a double OO and not a U; than Yahoo would also be a Zionist entity), Obama, KSA, Bahrain, France, England…and the rest of the world; save Pakistan, the Taliban, Iran ….. Bashar.

Even Mikati and Suleiman had their fare share of criticism.

Get out of Iraq and Afghanistan, he shouted whilst his hand was whipping the sweat off his forehead and trying to put back the few strains of rebellious hair which kept on creeping outside his turban. Syria (or to put it in his own words SOUYiYA) is a red line, do not attempt to stab it in the back .

According to our self proclaimed divine protector, the entire universe is wrong. Bashar is nothing short of St Rita, Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Mar Charbel, The prophet Mohammad, Hare Krishna, Tao, Winnie the poo…etc (all put together in order to create the most magnanimous entity ) and we should all rally behind him; for according to Hassouna what is taking place in SOUYIYA is all the doing of one Obama and one Netenyahu.

According to him the majority of the Syrian people are all for a living under oppression and those who died in their quest for freedom and dignity are nothing but a small percentage misguided by foreign “ill seeking” powers with their own devilish agendas (Lebanese devil worshipers included).

Hassouna, our Divine protector after having sweat profusely, promised us yet another more spectacular victory.
The only question that springs to my mind is : “at what cost?”

Wlek tfeh ya Hassan, go back to that same rock you crawled out of.

The only people who are still applauding your speeches are not Lebanese. And when Bashar will fall flat on his face (within time I admit) and gets shafted (with no Vaseline), the only recourse you and your “sheeple”will have, is to seek refuge in the land of “Wilayat Al Faqih”, but only if (and a big IF that is) then such a land and outdated notion still exists. Remember Neda, she is nothing but the beginning!

May 26, 2011 Posted by | Lebanon | , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Violence begets violence.

I can understand the anger and the frustration, but I cannot accept the similarities (save the detail of armed thugs) with what I condemned vehemently in 2008; the similarities were there for me to condemn. Yes “sticks and stones will not break my bones” as the saying goes, but this does not in any way justify stooping to their level and falling into their well laid trap. All that was missing was the herd of mopeds, AK47’s, RPG’s, and militia uniforms. This does not make the impact any less gruesome and worrying.
On the other hand, the so called peaceful demo in downtown Beirut did not attract the (expected or even hoped for) crowd. And you wonder why?
Once you took it upon yourself (Ya Tayyar Al Mustakbal) to portray this fight as typical Sunni betrayal, forgetting the very essence of the Cedar Revolution, you forgo your allies who ensured you the majority in parliament. This was supposed to be the ultimate fight for justice and freedom, and you have chosen to derail it.
Goatee Saad has amassed one mistake after another, and when his last chance of redemption was offered; his “tayyar” passed kilometers next to it. This is not a fight between the two predominant Muslim sects. This is a fight for the survival of this BIBLICAL LAND OF THE CEDARS, Hassan Nasrallah’s speech today proves this point.
Downtown Beirut tonight showed a very shy gathering and not to my surprise. For tonight Saad and Hassan made it all about a struggle of influence between 2 out of the 18 sects, that are nothing but couple of parts of the Lebanese canvas.
Fellow Lebanese at the risk of sounding like a broken record : “wake up and smell the cyanide” , say NO to all of them!
My fellow Lebanese, I leave you with the following:

And to those of you who have inspirations way beyond our borders:

January 26, 2011 Posted by | George Harisson, Imagine, John Lennon | , , , , | Leave a comment

Hassan and the honor of the divine vagina !

A sigh of relief I had when I caught the last part of our divine protector speech tonight.
Finally someone had the balls to stand up for Lebanese honor which (as he claims) is being trampled upon by the Western evil that is the STL.
How dare those foreign, loosed morals, Zionist tainted investigators question the state of local vaginas?

Shame and damnation on all of us, who do not see the disgrace in such a blatant invitation to debauchery!
Thank you, oh great one for I will now run to my wife gynecologist and ask for her file, just in case she might have implanted (and you know where) some weird communication device enabling the enemy to track my ins and outs.
Wlek tfeh !

October 28, 2010 Posted by | Dr Iman Charara, Vagina | , , , , , | 7 Comments

You are not welcome Mr Ahmadinejad !

Today we will witness a warm welcome to the devil incarnate (Ahmadinejad) and another black page will be added to Lebanon’s history.
To all of you who are still in the dark as to why many of us oppose such a visit, one reason could be the support it brings to our local devil, and why devil you might ask ?

Do you remember?

October 13, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | 1 Comment

I am a “Moukawem”.

Thank you Hassouna, for yet another enlightened/divine speech. Tonight your moderate tone finally convinced me of your righteousness. Yes you are our supreme leader; nazih and charif.
Mea culpa for having doubted your patriotic drive and the selfishness, no other local politician ever showed me (including those who lost their lives).
Your magnanimous words with regards to the families of those newly found spies, and how they should not be labeled and singled out (especially the “daughters”); made me not pay much attention to the fact that you called for their quick execution (if only I could post on youtube a British documentary that was made by NTV entertainment in 1995 about the savagery of executions and the death penalty which shows in its last couple of minutes how your party executed (without a trial) an alleged 3amil in front of his mother). Apart from your “relatively” calm tone of voice (and with no finger waving for a change) your female audience was showing hair. Could this be the dawn of a new “infitah” era? I must say I was impressed. More so (and not dwell in the pile of empty rhetoric and non founded justification to your divine message) when you suggested that the government should seek (after having agreed to the extensive shopping list for the LAF) during Dr. Ahmadinejad’s (the protector of all human rights) upcoming visit to Lebanon to extend its begging hand, and seek (the more than willing) Iranian’s help (of course with no strings attached, but only for the love it has for their brother Lebanese) in order to provide the LAF with the needed weapons, ie: missiles, armor piercing rockets…etc
Ya sayyed Hassan, why not at the same time, since the Iranians are so eager to help us (for free, and no strings attached) not ask for submarines, fighter planes and any other “offensive” weaponry they have in their arsenal.
In all fairness you did start, ya Hassouna, this segment of your speech by including all Arab countries and asking them to relinquish part of their military arsenal which is being stockpiled, and about to become obsolete; for better use in Lebanon (the only country who is on the frontline with our only and arch enemy Israel). I guess the answer to that is “Beggars can be choosers”.
But what really swayed me to your side, and made me wish I was a “moukawem”; was when you suggested that we should start investing in NUCLEAR power in order to resolve our electricity crisis (for peaceful purposes), just like Iran is doing. I especially appreciated the fact that you did say that you did not have exact figures, but… that it would be much cheaper than trying to resolve the crisis whilst relying on fossil fuel. Yes Hassouna, now is the time to tell the international community that this tiny country of ours (maybe yours) is about to follow on the footsteps of the country of your sponsors/masters, plagued by international sanctions. Yalla, why not. Ask Ahmedinajad to provide us with enriched uranium (for peaceful purposes that is) and the North Korean to help us build (for free) power plants. Why not, let us all together witness the effect of internationally imposed sanctions on 4.5 million people of whom the majority can hardly make ends meet (mainly those who are not sponsored by Iranian money).
Hassouna, you are a great man; for throughout your televised speech there was no mention of the deadly clashes that were taking place tonight in Beirut involving your men. Yes your cause is greater than to reflect on a few rockets that were fired amongst your people and your foes which caused people to reminisce about civil strife. It’s all good, and the “moukawameh” is greater than any individual.
Just like you said the rumors of indictments of unruly members of Hizbullah makes you laugh, for according to you those are only part of the followers and not “cadre” of you divine party. And to that I say: “How far will your jaw drop if Mughnieh is even mentioned in the STL probe”?. I guess Moughnieh was nothing more than a blind follower.

Hassouna, after your latest speech (and I don’t think I will bother with any future ones) I have decided to join the “Moukawameh”; not yours, but the true “moukawameh”; that with a sole purpose to kick your arse (and those who believe in you) out of my home. And my home is LEBANON.

August 25, 2010 Posted by | Nuclear, Politics | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

An even greater divide !

The final curtain has been drawn. In the past 48 hours, bored out of my skull, I have indulged in the art of “zapping” being the insomniac that I am. “Fesse book” could no longer cut it; so I reverted back to monitoring garbage on local airwaves. Out of boredom and my stubborn refusal to chemically induce sleep, I had, in the past 48 hours willingly subjected myself to the crème de la crème of Lebanese “New found culture”. First stop was MTV with a resemblance of “Video Gag” where people were asked the following question: “What is the name of the French president Nicolas Sarkozy”, is it George, Tony or Abraham? And most of my countrymen answered Abraham. A few minutes later, while my thumb was still exercising his routine; OTV came shining. A bunch of vulgar idiots (a doctor Carrot included) were indulging in the telling of vulgar, but well known jokes to the applause of an orange well indoctrinated audience. The jokes (and the words) used in this utterly useless program, should not even have passed the most lenient of censorship standards, my dear “so called” democratic country allows (according to its archaic laws). A breath of fresh air some might say, but I disagree. In order to be fair (and I am mostly not) the saga continued. Today I had the misfortune to watch yet another pollutant “dick head” called Zaven on Future TV (along with his 3 stooges/guests) attempting to deal with the subject of child molestation. The program was supposed to shed new evidence as to the death of a mother and her 3 children in Bhersaf, but far from it showed how lacking we are in investigative journalism.
On amore serious note, and in order to revert back to the original title of this post, Hassouna graced us with the new Hizbollah’s doctrine.
OH PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE ! I wasn’t born yesterday.
The gloves are off, and you can burn me to the stake. I have made my choice (and it has been a long time coming), you and I cannot coexist!

My culture:

And yours that I refuse:

No you are not a part of whom I am and NEVER will be !

December 1, 2009 Posted by | Hizbullah, Politics | , , , , , | 4 Comments

The winds of change.

Chavez and Ahmadi Najad are in cahoots even with regards to exchanging nuclear technology know how.

Russian vessel (Arctic Sea) kidnapped, allegedly carrying weapons to Iran. Talk about the Mossad being involved, and a secret visit by Israeli high officials to Russia in order to contain the story.

Turkey FM cancels visit to Israel.

Iraq blames Syria for Iraq terror.

4000 new settlements given the go ahead to be built in Israel/the occupied territory.

And in my country the only talk on the news is about how constitutional the new cabinet proposal was.

Fuck me gently for I worry about those changes and I ask. Since when:

Was the constitution ever respected.

Was, any past present and even future government truly representative of the will and aspiration of the people.

Was Lebanon a master of its own destiny.

Democracy gives way to those who lost elections, and still DEMAND the lion’s share.

When the people sit idle (for it is the tourist season) and accept a 70 day stalemate.

Ya Elias, where are the Migs that you so proudly procured as a gift from the Russians? If I recall correctly we were supposed to have them by no later than August (I guess the Syrians will get theirs first). No you are not the only one who fell short of your  (public) promises, and you are not the only one who let down those million + who took the streets in 2005. Goatee Saad has stepped over his Christian allies in his government proposal. Walid Beik has lost his credibility amongst many of his partners and Druze followers. Aoun has dug himself deeper into the grave of shame (thanks to Gebran Imbecile). And my fellow Lebanese lost the most.

An election took place, and results were cast. An election took place under the flag of a democracy that is second to none in our corner of the woods, so why not act accordingly. Why not? the answer is simple. Hizbullah’s arsenal.

So my fellow Lebanese, I would advise you to reminisce, and long for the time when you lived under the Syrian boot; for then you could still fight. The excuse in those days was, I was fighting against an outsider, an occupying force.

But for the very few of you, who still have LEBANON flowing in your blood; those hindering bastards are not Lebanese by heart, soul, conviction or even allegiance. To all of you who took to the streets in 2005 and then onwards, for once speak out your mind. Pluck every single hair out of Saad’s goatee and Hassouna’s beard, demand that the Iztaz gives back the keys to parliament, that the so called doctor plants cedar trees in Becharre and leaves us alone, that Walid Beik rides his Harley into some far away sunset, that Micho finds  an asylum that can accommodate his many psychological illnesses.But most of all my fellow Lebanese; REPENT. Repent, for what ails this country of ours is from your own doing!

September 10, 2009 Posted by | Lebanon, Politics | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

I support the green revolution!

Oppression is not everlasting, even within the most oppressive of regimes.
The green revolution emanated from a deep sentiment of discontent with the result of the Iranian elections; just like the Cedar revolution started with the assassination of Rafik al Hariri. In both cases, and without prior notice; people took to the streets and voiced their discontent. In March of 1979 Ayatollah Khomeini changed the face of Iran. Today, 30 years later, the people of Iran are attempting to say “enough is enough, now is the time for change”. Just like in Lebanon, after 30 years of Syrian hegemony, the people took to the streets and said: “enough is enough, now is the time for change”.
They have Mahmoud Ahmadinajad, and we have Hassan Nasrallah. They have NEDA SULTANI, and we have RAMZI IRANI. Their struggle is a couple of weeks old, and ours has been going on for over 4 years.
This is a call for all Lebanese, and especially those whose voice and opinions (and yes, this also concerns you, you ORANGE pricks) muffled (under torture) for years; to support in any way you can, the cause of our brothers and sisters in Iran. Representatives of the (so called Cedar Revolution) have won the majority in the elections. Now is a golden opportunity for you (bunch of nitwits)to show Lebanese, Iranians, the world, and the independent Shia your refusal to “Dawlit Al Fakih”. Organize a PEACEFUL march in condemnation of Hizbullah’s masters who are UNLAWFULLY killing those who can make a change in Iran, hence maybe reducing some of your local evil’s influence and might.
Wlek, people of Lebanon react, embrace this newly born cry for freedom that is coming from one of the most defiant regimes we know today; for you are not alone in your corner of the world.

A grim reminder, to be watched with caution.

June 24, 2009 Posted by | Cedar Revolution, Dawlat Al Faqih, Green revolution, Hizbullah, Mahmoud Ahmadinajad, Neda Sultani, Ramzi Irani | , , | 4 Comments

IF, you are LEBANESE

drapeau3

When open mindedness takes precedence.
When you acknowledge (and accept) the fundamental difference with your fellow citizens.
When political correctness is no longer the only priority.
When your past becomes a lesson to be learned.
When true patriotism is the way forward.
When over used slogans no longer move you.
When you accept that the enemy does lie within.
When your are convinced that your current leaders no longer represent your aspirations.
When you truly feel that your well being is being threatened and change is needed.
When you accept the fact that you have a say in your future.
When you stop taking the easy way out.
When you take a firm stand, a stand that reflects your own aspirations; and the Lebanon you would like to see your children live in.
When fear of obliteration is a consideration if you remain silent.

lebanon-hezbollah-hybrid-flag

And yes you shouldn’t turn a blind eye or a deaf ear (IF you are Lebanese), when a turban wearing war crazed lunatic says out loud that he reserves the right to use ground to air missiles (which he might, and might not have) against whom he pleases, and anytime he pleases.

February 17, 2009 Posted by | Hassan Nasrallah, Kipling, Lebanon | , | 5 Comments